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    1. I find myself intimidated by the Bear community

      Disclaimer: This post is probably overly-long and a little all over the place. It’s just as much me writing things out to get a sense of where I am and how I feel about everything as it is asking...

      Disclaimer: This post is probably overly-long and a little all over the place. It’s just as much me writing things out to get a sense of where I am and how I feel about everything as it is asking a question to a real audience. For anyone who genuinely wants to take the time to read it, hopefully not read too into it, and provide any insights – thank you. I'm not sure how large the LGBT community on Tildes might actually be, I will probably end up x-posting this to Reddit despite the fact that I’ll most likely end up regretting that decision

      I'm a late-thirties, gay, cis gendered, masculine presenting (for lack of a better term), otter (beard, harry, smaller frame so not considered a bear). For almost all of my life I've lived in smaller locals that lacked any real gay scene and so I have almost entirely lived apart from the larger gay world and community. To a large extent I'm grateful for this, I think in my younger years the focus on partying and sex would have been disastrous for me and now my friend groups are diverse with straight males and females and a few gay friends. However, a large part of me feels like I've missed out on something and continue to miss out on something.

      In the past year or so I've developed a gay Instagram profile that is now very connected to the gay bear community in my country and a few neighboring ones. I’ve also been in a larger city for a few years now and have a real gay community that I could connect with if I wanted to. Obviously, I'm primarily attracted to more bear type men and I've found that through Instagram I'm seeing that a lot of guys in the community remind me of myself in manner of interests and style. I also see this as a chance to make some friends who would actually see me and understand me, something that I think gets a little lost with my non-gay friends and my gay friends who are not like me in other ways

      Huge disclaimer: I'm viewing all of this through the lens of Instagram which makes my interpretations of what I'm seeing already dubious - the app is largely triggering FOMO and a touch of envy in me, I fully understand that.

      There was a bear dance night in my city a few weeks ago and many guys from different regions came through to celebrate and find community. I watched it all distantly through Instagram posts and stories and through all my voyeurism I found myself extremely tempted to go to the party but remained frozen in intimidation by a community that I really don't understand.

      My worries summed up:

      • We’re not one of the bigger bear events around so it’s clear from their posts that these guys all know each other and probably hang out multiple times a year. Approaching that as a complete outsider is already anxiety inducing to me

      • Even though I logically know that the only way to make friends is to put yourself out there, I’ve at times faced rejection and exclusion via the apps and just fear that this would be the same thing but in real life. Despite my attempts to date my way into the community, I haven’t had a lot of success breaking through. (Please don’t take this to mean that I’ve fully fetishized bears, I don’t limit my relationships to something so narrow at all)

      • One of my hangups is the fact that I myself am not a bear. My understanding is that Otters and “masc” guys are often very welcome in the bear community, which I am, but not actually being one of them makes me question my place there. I am aware how terrible this is as it perpetuates the gay culture of largely basing worth on physical characteristics and the fact that bear does not equal masculine. I hate to bring up that last part but I just want to be descriptive

      • I would be loath to enter into a community whose identity hangs on partying. I see on Instagram that a lot of groups of bear friends do other activities than drinking but they also do a fair share of bar-going and partying. If these bear events would end up turning out like the circuit party culture, then I have no real interest. I do like to occasionally go out drinking with friends but have no intention of maintaining a party lifestyle. In a similar vein, I wouldn’t want to enter into a community that is primarily sex-based either and I do get those vibes from these groups and parties sometimes as well

      • My intentions for wanting to participate are unclear. I see these guys building what seem like genuine friendships with each other and I do genuinely want that but at the same time it would be dishonest for me not to admit that there is a sexual component to this and a desire for validation from a group of men who I find attractive

      • Is my understanding of this community completely invalid? Maybe the impressions I’m gaining of the community are completely unrealistic and I should completely rethink the underlying question of this entire post – would I find value in being a member of the bear world?

      It’s clear to me that in the end my Instagram habit, particularly my “bear” profile, is triggering some anxieties and insecurities in me that I’ve largely managed to concur in real life. I already have caring friends and have had a rich dating and relationship life without being part of any real gay community and so my final question to myself is whether I should just delete the IG profile and abandon any thoughts of going to gay parties – I may just be looking to fill a hole in myself that my real friends and love life should be enough for.

      30 votes
    2. What was it like choosing your own name?

      For anyone here who has chosen your own name, what was that process like? What factors did you consider? Did you go based on meaning, aesthetics, vibes? Something else entirely? A mix of all of...

      For anyone here who has chosen your own name, what was that process like?

      What factors did you consider? Did you go based on meaning, aesthetics, vibes? Something else entirely? A mix of all of the above?

      Was it an easy decision? A difficult one? How long did it take you to decide? I’d love to hear your story.

      I’m not mulling over the decision myself or anything — I’m just curious about the process and would love to know more.

      43 votes
    3. On M*A*S*H, was Klinger a cross-dresser? Was Klinger trans?

      I had a long-running discussion about this last year with a trans person on the Fediverse. Before that conversation, it had never even crossed my mind that Klinger was anything other than a...

      I had a long-running discussion about this last year with a trans person on the Fediverse. Before that conversation, it had never even crossed my mind that Klinger was anything other than a cis-het guy desperately trying to exploit a weird Army regulation to escape from a war zone ... who may admittedly have become a bit too attached to his wardrobe in the process.

      However, she pointed out that Klinger was the closest thing to a role model she had on TV growing up at the time, and that she had definitely seen and identified a lot of traits in Klinger that strongly suggest he (she?) was a semi-closeted trans character, effectively pulling a double-switch, pretending to be a "regular guy" who was pretending to be a cross-dresser just to get out of the Army, while actually having found a way to be openly trans in the US Army all the way back in the 1950s.

      Thoughts?

      19 votes
    4. I'm getting top surgery!

      I know I've seen a bunch of people say they want more positive posts here in ~lgbt, and happily I have the opportunity now! I live in Germany and here top surgery needs to be individually approved...

      I know I've seen a bunch of people say they want more positive posts here in ~lgbt, and happily I have the opportunity now!

      I live in Germany and here top surgery needs to be individually approved by your insurance provider for them to cover it. I got a letter back from them on Monday agreeing to cover it, and as of today the hospital scheduled my surgery for late March! I was expecting a lot more delay between getting the approval from my insurance and when the surgery could be scheduled (especially after the months it took to gather all the paperwork I had to send my insurance!), so I'm super hype.

      My work will give me all the time I need off, and I live with my wife who should be able to take over any tasks I can't do during recovery. As much as I complain about how trans healthcare works in Germany atm, I wouldn't have been able to get this surgery back home in the US for cost reasons. So I'm feeling really lucky right now -- my transmasc friend in college had to save up for years to afford their surgery.

      I'd love any recommendations anyone has for how to make my recovery as easy and comfortable as possible. I've got transmasc friends who have got top surgery, but most of what I've got from them has been "take more time off work than I did" and "drains suck". The surgery is in only a little over a month, so longer-term stuff like "get to a healthy weight" and "gain pectoral muscle to get a better aesthetic" are probably off the table, but I welcome anyone's practical recommendations! Obviously I'll get instructions from the doctor but I figure there are likely people here with personal experience who might have suggestions that a doctor wouldn't think to mention.

      Also, I'm getting double-incision (only real option at my size) and atm I'm erring on the side of not getting nipple grafts. Not a huge fan of my nipples and I want to avoid any potential complications or dissatisfaction with them. I figure if I regret it I can always get nipple tattoos, whereas if I get the grafts and regret it there's not a ton of options. If anybody here has personal experience one way or the other, I'd really love to hear your perspective.

      But most importantly, I'm just so excited that things are finally moving forward at a brisk pace! It's like finally getting the opportunity to stop and take a sharp rock out of the inside of my shoe.

      EDIT TO ADD: oh god I just realized how am I going to keep my cats from lying on my chest

      87 votes
    5. What has being LGBT taught you?

      What are some of the lessons you've learned about life, love, gender, personhood, etc. because of your LGBT identity? What wisdom can you share with others here -- whether they share an identity...

      What are some of the lessons you've learned about life, love, gender, personhood, etc. because of your LGBT identity?

      What wisdom can you share with others here -- whether they share an identity with you or not?

      Also, "LGBT" here is being used as an umbrella term as it is in our community name of ~lgbt. It applies to any and all minority sexualities and gender identities. You do not have to be listed in the initialism to answer!

      30 votes
    6. Final update on Brianna Ghey

      Was debating whether or not to post this at all on account of this discussion about "the latest horrid thing" in relation to LGBT+ people. But I decided to post anyway as I think this update is...

      Was debating whether or not to post this at all on account of this discussion about "the latest horrid thing" in relation to LGBT+ people. But I decided to post anyway as I think this update is important - and I have made sure to use the tags suggested in that thread. And I cannot emphasize enough that this is about an extremely disturbing hate crime so only click if you can deal with that:

      CONTENT WARNING
      • AP News: 16-year-old killers of transgender teenager in England sentenced for ‘sadistic’ murder

      The two 16-year-old convicted murderers of a transgender teenager in northwest England nearly a year ago were handed life sentences Friday with minimum prison terms of 20 and 22 years.

      The horrific murder shocked the nation. Ghey was stabbed with a hunting knife 28 times in her head, neck, chest and back in broad daylight after being lured to a park in the town of Warrington on Feb. 11, 2023.

      “You will only be released, if in the future, it is decided you no longer present a danger,” the judge said. “You both took part in a brutal and planned murder, which was sadistic in nature, and a secondary motivation was hostility to Brianna, because of her transgender identity.”

      • Pink News: Brianna Ghey’s teen killers named as pair sentenced for trans girl’s murder

      As he read his victim impact statement at Manchester Crown Court, Brianna’s father Peter Spooner described Jenkinson and Ratcliffe as “pure evil.”

      “Now my world has been torn apart. Justice may have been done but no amount of time in prison will be enough for these monsters,” he said.

      “I cannot call them children because that makes them sound naive or vulnerable, which they are not – they are pure evil. Brianna was the vulnerable one.”

      • BBC: Brianna Ghey: 'My daughter was fearless to be who she wanted to be' (Dec. 20)

      The heartbroken mother of Brianna Ghey has said she will never get over the death of her "fearless" daughter, which has left a hole in her heart.

      Speaking before the verdicts, Esther Ghey said she would never forget her daughter's unwavering bravery.

      "She was fearless to be whoever she wanted to be," she told the BBC.

      "She wanted to identify as a female, and she wanted to wear girls' school uniform.

      "She just did it - it wasn't a hurdle at all for her."

      • The Guardian: ‘Truly sorry’: family of Brianna Ghey murderer pay tribute to mother

      In a statement to the Warrington Guardian, Jenkinson’s family said: “All of our thoughts are for Brianna and her family.

      “The last 12 months have been beyond our worst nightmares as we have come to realise the brutal truth of Scarlett’s actions. We agree with the jury’s verdict, the judge’s sentence and the decision to name the culprits.”

      After the killers were convicted, Brianna’s mother, Esther Ghey, called for “empathy and compassion” for their families as “they too have lost a child” and “must live the rest of their lives knowing what their child has done”.

      Jenkinson’s family, saying their lives had been left “in turmoil”, thanked Brianna’s mother for her “incredible selflessness and empathy towards our family”.

      “Her compassion is overwhelming and we are forever grateful,” they said. “To all of Brianna’s family and friends, our community and everyone else that has been affected by this horror, we are truly sorry.”

      20 votes
    7. What's a recent queer milestone you've reached?

      Inspired by this amazing post and the subsequent discussion about the need for more queer joy: What's a recent queer milestone you've reached/experienced in your life? It can be something big, but...

      Inspired by this amazing post and the subsequent discussion about the need for more queer joy:

      What's a recent queer milestone you've reached/experienced in your life?

      It can be something big, but it can also be something small but still meaningful. It can be an event (coming out!), a realization (oh so THAT'S who I am!), a feeling (dress go spinny!), a moment (holding hands!), a recognition (they used male pronouns!), or anything else that is distinctly queer and noteworthy.

      Share what it is, what you think about it, and why it's meaningful.

      41 votes